Every man has a breaking point and I've just about reached mine. So if it isn't too much to ask, can someone please tell me WHY THE HELL ARE MATTRESS STORES OPEN AT 2am?! On the way home one night we passed not one but two matress stores that were still open. And this isn't the first time. We usually noted the fact that the American Mattress across the street had unusual hours but now to find that this is the case in more than one instance. I guess there's always the argument of stiff competition, but seriously, who's rushing out to the matress stroe at 2 in the morning going "I don't have time to explain but I really need a matress and quick" or are they going from one stroe to another to compare prices or avoid the afternoon crowds? The answer is no, because whenever you pass the stores there's never anyone in there, not even a salesperson. The only conclusion that I can realisticially draw is that it's just a front for some big crime or drug ring. But I mean come on, can't you be a little less obvious than that. A matress store open at night? Please. That's the worst time to have it open... all your customers are asleep.

An update on my Pet Penguin Fund. If you haven't read my first blog about this fund (click here). So I've been getting some responses to a Craig's List post I made in Austrailia in my quest to obtain a pet penguin. The ad read as follows:

looking for a pet penguin.... (Miami Beach, FL, USA) 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-6048xxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2012-04-28, 9:31AM EST


I'm seeking someone who can ship a live penguin to the US.


this is in or around Miami Beach, FL, USA
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests



6048****

But apparently this didn't go over so well. Not all was bad, but here's the responses I've recieved thus far:

"alana jonze" alana@******* wrote:
what sort of penguin?
and I replied:
not a king or emperor and not a rock hopper looking one, something 
more like a Gentoo. Why you got any?
she replied back with:
no. we only have fairy penguins. there are many. they are fat and fall 
over. they are nice.

and then I got my first negative response:

"sheriesh****" sheriesh****@hotmail.com wrote:

Hey there,
if I see you doing this again I am going to report you to the Australian customs and RSPCA>
Exproting live animals is noto nly cruel, it is wrong and illegal.
what exactly do you think yo uwould do to look after it asshole!
from ans aussie in US.

Whoa, settle down there buddy. I was gonna follow the rules. I didn't expect people to mail me on in a box with holes in it.... well maybe I kinda did.

But more recently (today) I got a new response, which is weird because the post should've expired by now.

"Elizabeth" chick@*****.net.au wrote:

you are giving Americans a bad name in the international community. Go get a blow up one and be happy

I think Americans can give themselves a bad name without my help. Anyways, I just wanted to update you all on the status of the penguin fund. Still no penguin and not a cent in the piggy bank for it. Like they say, Rome wasn't built in a day and even then it took them a couple years before they got any penguins.

Why is it that when someone drunkenly meets an old friend of yours at A bar they feel the need to immediately call you and force an awkward conversation upon you, usually while you're half asleep at 3am? I mean that's great that you saw someone I knew in grammar school or hung out with for like a semester in high school and I'd love to hear all about... the next day. But don't call me while your both piss drunk. There's only one way those conversations can go:


YOU: Hello?
FRIEND: [loud bar background noise] ARMANDO! HEY, GUESS WHO I'M HERE AT THE BAR WITH!
YOU: I don'--
FRIEND: [INSERT NAME LOUDLY YELLED HERE]
YOU: Oh cool. How have they--
OLD FRIEND: HEY ARMANDO IT'S [INSERT NAME LOUDLY YELLED HERE oh yeah and still loud bar noise]
YOU: Oh, hey, how've you been man?
OLD FRIEND: WHERE YOU AT MAN?
YOU: I'm at home--
OLD FRIEND: I MET YOUR FRIEND AT THE BAR!
YOU: Yeah I noticed. Cool.
OLD FRIEND: HERE I'M GONNA PUT [Friend's name] BACK ON. IT WAS GOOD TALKING TO YOU MAN.
YOU: Yeah, you t--
FRIEND: DID YOU TALK TO HIM. ISN'T THAT WEIRD I SAW THEM HERE.
YOU: Yeah.
FRIEND: ALRIGHT I'M GONNA GO, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
You: Yeah okay, bye.

(NOTE: the drunk people's speech has ben translated into common English for the sake of this entry, but it's usually a slurred bastardization of the language)

What's the fucking point of that. It's not exactly the 10 year reunion kinda experience. Neither of us are in the right state of mind. Them completely trashed, and me half asleep and wishing I was fully asleep. In fact it'd better to just wait til the next morning to talk to your friend sober so they could tell you they saw so and so and you can be like "Oh how's he/she." "I wish I could've talk to him/her." And they're always like "They're doing good." But what basis is that statement made on? You just saw them completely trashed at a bar. Take the person from your graduating class that is doing the worst in life and chances are you'll find them in a bar. That means nothing. Anyways next time you meet an old friend of mine and your both drunk, expect to hear my voicemail.*



*But how will I know you ask? Simple. You people always call at least three times. The first call get hung up before I can answer it. The next usually go something like this "[loud bar noise] I'M TRYING TO CALL ARMANDO BUT MY PHONE DOESN'T WORK IN HERE SO I NEED TO BORROW YOUR---" Then you get a call from an unrecognizable number to wich I won't answer. So if you do plan on calling me, make the first one count.

The majority of really rich people are surprisingly not as snobbish as people anticipate. However, the people who ‘aren’t rich/South Beah but wish they were’ are extremely annoying. They’re the ones who are trying to emulate the South Beach lifestyle but since deep down they know they’re imposters they are extremely dumb. These are the kind of people who say things like “I’ll never live in the ghetto” or “Honey there’s only two kinds of coffee” Starbucks or Coffee Bean” or “Be very careful with this car, it’s more than you'll ever make in your life.” First of all, if you’re paying monthly car payments that is worth more than twice your rent.... you're a dumbass. These are the same people who go out with their cars at night to impress females. And when the year is over... their cars get repossessed for failure to pay their monthly payments. 

Driving. People in Miami drive everywhere! They drive even if it takes longer to walk to their car than to where they’re going. They would drive to their car if they had another car to take them there. Hence the sidewalks are desolate- which is nice but also kinda eerie. This is also another reason there is so much traffic. That and people don’t carpool enough, so as you sit in traffic you notice that every car has only one person in it. Do people really not have any friends where they work that would give them a ride? Miami even gives the luxury of a car pool lane!

One of the things on my "Creeps me out/Intrigues me immensly" list: public payphones that ring with no one around and keep ringing. Who's calling this thing? Who are they looking for? Do they know it's a payphone? Is someone supposed to answer or do they want random person to pick up? But I guess I'm guilty too because I use to have the number to the pay phone next to my house, so I use to call it and see people gaze in wonder and decide to answer or not just for kicks. Oh and hey remember when we used to be able to dial a code and the last four numbers of the payphone and hang up three times and walk away and it would start ringing on its own. Ahhh.. the good old days.

Okay one thing I hate is when you're on the bus, it's a little crowded and someone sits next to you even though there are other options. All I can think about is why the fuck don't you go sit over there! But at the same time when someone does choose that seat instead and walks by me, I'm like "What the hell's wrong with me? I don't smell and I'm not creepy." I'm just a walking ball of contradiction.

The other bad thing of the same respect is when the bus is full and and someone is sitting next to you and a seat opens up. Now again all I'm thinking is go fucking sit over there you fuck, ohh please just move, move your ass away from me. But then if they do move I'm like what the fuck is that all about, fuck you man. Again, hypocrite city. What else is bad is when the bus is semi full and there's an open seat next to you yet people choose to stand. That's another social slap in the face. They're saying they'd rather deal with the fatigue and annoyance of standing for an entire bus ride rather than being relaxed and feel slightly awkward sitting next a stranger, aka me. Fuck.

Don't get me wrong, it's pretty kick ass and totally hot, but it just not exactly how I pictured it. I thought it was going to be like one of those quirky romantic comedies where the guy sits around while the hot girl tried on all kinda of hot, cute, and sexy outfits in a funny care-free manner (see the New Guy) or even better if it was like a late nigth Cinemax movie where the girl needs help in the dressing room and you end up doing it. But it was pretty much like any other shopping experience except you get more of a say in the selections because "You're the only one who's going to see it" . It is also kinda kinky being near a bunch of women's underwear knowing where these exact pieces of clothing are going to end up.  Herein this store also lies another phenomeon, and that is the metamorphasis that the men go through as they enter the doors. Suddenly they're no longer the idle guy sitting around holding a pile of shirts, pants, and shoes that will become his next credit card statement. Instead he's become the keen eye for the straight guy. Suddenly things like "Yeah the polka dots are okay but it would look really nice with the stripes, plus the colors go together better, especially when complemented by that powder blue lacey fringe at the bottom." are spewing from our mouths and we're not even embarassed in front of the other guys. Rather it's complimented or quitely admired from a safe distance instead of being ridiculed. And there's one simple reason nobody gives anybody shit here, and that is: we all know the other is getting laid (unless it's a creepy gift for Mother's Day.... in that case, ridicule away).

Well a new annoying question has found its way to taking over the "How's school going?"'s job, and that is: "So what are your plans after graduation?" I honestly don't get why people ask this. All it does it make you feel very unprepared and nervous about things to come. Unless of course you have a firm five year plan and even then, you tell them and then what? Big whoop, they say oh that's nice. It really has no point. Why do other care, unless they can or plan on trying to help you in your career efforts (which they should already know by now due to the repetative secondary question of the past "what are you majoring in?") then it shouldn't really be discussed. Unless you got a job for me or know someone who can help me out, don't ask me what I plan on doing. Chances are you already know as much as I do aboutwhat I'm doing after college. No need to rub it in.

These is my newest creations/ideas.:

#1- From now on when I introduce myself to anyone new or am just saying bye to a friend I am going to extend my LEFT hand instead of my right. Just to make things slightly awkward. This, I think, is better than one of those handshakes that turn out wrong. How can a handshake go wrong you ask? Easy, one person grabs too early and is just grasping the fingers of the others hand making for a very awkward first meeting. That brings me to..

#2- If a handshake (right handed- which I no longer do [unless in a business situation]) goes awry or afoul or askew I will immediate bring the issue to light and request a do-over. And try again. No more false starts.

#3*- From now on when people call my phone in the morning and wake me up and ask "Did I wake you?" I will no longer lie and tiredly mumble "No, no it's cool, I was up." I will flat out say "Yes, yes you did." Now this makes most people feel bad and want to hang up, however, I will assure them it's okay because the damage has already been done so we might as well have a conversation.

Class dismissed.